Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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