Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
