Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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