I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
