How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Drake has all the answers
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
