omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I accidentally burped into my bong.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
