if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
