If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
