lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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