I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
