I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
