You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
