Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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