Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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