Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
