I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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