Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
