I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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