Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
