My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
