My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
