i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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