i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
