She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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