They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
