I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
