think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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