I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
