an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
