so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
