Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
