Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
