Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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