haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
