dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
