well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
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I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
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I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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