I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
