Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
