I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
