he thought i was a dude.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
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He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
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It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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