she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
