weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
