Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
