i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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