You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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