i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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