i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
