wanna go halves on a baby?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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