you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
