I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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