guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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