When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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