You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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