i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
