Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
