he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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