Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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