i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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