My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
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NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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