Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
